Light's Confession
by whimsical-weasel
Summary: Light burns the house down using this one weird trick. You won't believe what happens next!
1. Chapter 1

"Light Kawaii Yagami, get over here this instant!" yelled Light's mom in front of their burning house. She stood shaking beside her husband, whose face had been half melted off by the fire. In his hand was a glass, which he used to catch his liquefied face and stop it from staining his new trendy outfit. Every now and then when he thought nobody was looking, he took a sip from the glass. Light was always looking, though; he'd been staring down at his parents from his bedroom window the entire time. Nobody knew where Sayu was, but nobody really cared anyway.

"Oh my God, mom. I already told you I need one more second. Don't be such a bitch about it," called Light from the window. Smoke billowed out behind him, and the flames crept closer and closer to him with each second, spreading quickly across the carpet. Light sighed and flung himself onto his flaming bed. "Ryuk, go get me a glass of water. It's getting really hot in here."

"Light, I want to remind you again that I'm not picking a side or anything, but you're going to burn to death if you stay here. Just saying." Ryuk fidgeted in the last corner of the room which hadn't been consumed by flame.

"Ryuk, I don't pay you to sit around and bitch at me. You're not my mom. Jesus Christ, do I have to do everything myself around here?"

"Li—"

"Light this, Light that. No, you know what? It's fine. I'll get my own damn glass of water, you useless Q-tip." Light got up and ran downstairs really fast. "Shit!"

"What?" shouted Ryuk from upstairs.

"We're out of glasses! Dad, you little bitch!" Ryuk couldn't see him, but he guessed Light was now on his was outside. He left the house through the back door to watch what was about to go down.

"Son, we're so glad you're alive!" both of his parents said at the same time, which is a lot creepier in real life than you would think. They tried to hug him, but his body was hot like molten lava. "Son, you're so hot," said Light's mother.

"Shut up, mom. Dad, give me that glass." Light put on his grown-up face.

"Sure thing, son!" Light's dad responded cheerfully. He handed the glass with his face in it over to Light. Light took it forcefully and squinted at the strange, thick, slightly odorous liquid inside. Then he squinted at his father.

"The fuck is this shit?"

"That's my face, son. You can have it if you want." Light's dad smiled again, showing off his distinct lack of lips and eyelids.

"Dad, that's fuckin' gross." He promptly turned the glass upside-down and grinned as the flesh splashed onto the grass. Then he went back inside the burning house and came back with the glass full of water. "Mmmm," he said, taking a sip. "I can still taste the face."

Light's parents shifted anxiously. They looked at each other. Light's mom cringed.

"Son," began his mother. "We don't mean to pry…" she trailed off. Light's dad nudged her, telling her to keep going. "But we would like to know why you burned the house down. I mean, you're a responsible boy and we know you had an excellent reason, but would you be kind enough to give us closure?" Light paused, finishing his glass of facewater. He stood facing them for a really long time. Then he smirked.

"Closure?" he asked in a poor orphan boy voice. "You want some closure?" Light's parents nodded furiously. Light's dad broke his neck.

"Shit," he said under his breath, but didn't move because he was paralyzed.

"Dad, I said no swearing! It fucking offends me!" Light's dad's eyes widened. Literally. He had no eyelids so his eyes literally got wider. In surprise.

"Sorry, son. I should have been more considerate of your feelings."

"Yes you should have. Oh, and about the house… yeah, so I had this trap, right? I kept the death note there and I tried to do a cool flamethrower circuit thing. Didn't really work." Light shrugged.

"What is a death note?" asked both of his parents in tandem again.

"Oh, you write somebody's name in it and they die. Pretty cool, right?"

"Yes, son," said Light's dad. " _Really cool._ " Light smiled proudly at his parents. He put his hands on his hips and did a little dance. A pride dance. "But son, you'd better tell the police you weren't the one who burned the house down. Kira might get you!"

"Jesus Christ dad, how fucking stupid are you? I'm Kira." Light's dad might have looked shocked if he wasn't paralyzed. Instead, his eyes just got even wider. After a few seconds of silence, they got narrower again.

"You know," he said. "That actually makes a lot more sense. Son, if you had come out any earlier we still would have supported you no matter what. You didn't have to hide it from us." Light's eyes grew tearful with regret.

"I'm sorry, dad!" Light ran to hug his father, who yelled in pain before Light actually touched him. Light's mom tried to get in on the hug, but she was too awkward so ended up just hover-hugging both of them. Light's dad kept yelling.

"I love you, dad," Light said, tears streaming down his face.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" said Light's dad, and he cried too.


	2. Chapter 2

"The fuck, Light?" Sayu suddenly stood in between Light and his father.

"Sayu! I thought you were dead! Wow, I can't do anything right today."

"Light. Do you know what this," Sayu gestured dramatically with her entire arms at the burning house. She actually gritted her teeth so hard while she did this that one of them cracked and fell out. When she was done waving her arms around, she picked up her tooth and put it in her bra for safe keeping. "Means?" she finished.

"It means I'm an arsonist?"

"Yes, and it also means we're homeless. Good job." Sayu crossed her arms and closed her eyes. She imagined she was somewhere else, like the inside of her crush's colon or something. Somewhere much less stressful than she was.

Light snorted. "Thanks." In truth, everyone was a lot happier that they were homeless. For example, Sayu was glad people were actually throwing money at her now, and Light's mom got more dick than ever, even though her husband's dick melted off in the fire.

A few months after the family had adjusted to starvation and pissing in inattentive strangers' handbags, Light's dad had a heart attack.

"Help! I'm having a heart attack!" he yelled.

"Shit, that's a little ironic," commented Light, who was filing his nails with a piece of human bone.

"How? It's really just coincidental," replied his father, between convulsions on the floor.

"No, it's ironic. You're asking me to somehow help you stop having this heart attack, and my previous job was to give people heart attacks."

"Yeah, but mass murder isn't really a job," chimed in Sayu.

"I don't know. It still doesn't really seem like irony to me," said Light's dad, between bouts of coughing up large quantities of blood.

"Dad, dying people are honestly the stupidest shitheads I have ever met. They can't even keep their own hearts beating. Get your shit together, Dad. I have no sympathy for you. It's fucking irony." Light kicked his father in the abdomen as hard as he could. Light's dad's skin started rotting, but he could only nod and smile.

"Thank you, son. You were always my favorite. I love you." Then he died. The sweet smell of death soon filled the air, and after the family was done eating the body, they strung up the fresh skeleton in the street. It would serve as a warning to others and a reminder of a loving father and wonderful husband, but most importantly of all, an air freshener.

Light's mom cried tears of grief, joy, and blood. Sayu just sort of stood there looking glum. Light manically laughed a little more quietly and somberly than usual. A revving of a motor eventually interrupted their grieving.

"Sup bitches?" It was L, and he was dismounting the coolest motorcycle ever.

"Holy shit, bro, I thought you were gone forever! Not that I cared or anything." Light looked away to hide his red cheeks.

"Bro," L delicately took a hold of Light's chin and turned his head so they were face to face. He leaned in and lowered his voice to a soft, sensual whisper. "I would never do that, bro."

"Who's the punk rock ghost frog?" asked Light's mom. Light turned and pulled a fork tine from his one good pocket. He threw it at his mother's throat.

"You will not speak to guests that way in my house," he sneered. Light's mom had to wheeze her response to him on account of the hole in her throat.

"Sorry, son, but this isn't a house, you know." Light's face became entirely red with rage and a smell not unlike shit seemed to radiate from him.

"Mom, if I'm the god of the new world, this is my fucking house if I say it is." Light balled up his fists and shook a little so the poop fell down his pant leg onto the ground. He lowered his voice to a growl and was almost seething with rage by the time he spoke again.

"Smell it," was all he said. Light's mom was shocked at first, but then, slowly and timidly, approached the poop. She paused and coughed a bit. Blood dripped from the hole in her throat onto the poop. "Get on your fucking knees and smell it," Light commanded again, more aggressively this time. Light's mom was crying by now. She knelt down and smelled the poop. She could barely contain her tremors. When she had finished, she rose again a changed woman.

"Did you fucking enjoy it?" Light asked. His mom nodded meekly. She really had.

"Wow," said L, who had watched the entire thing. "That was impressive, Light's Mom. I'd bang you if I didn't have bone disease." Light smiled at L. His jokes were always so funny. "Anyway," L continued. "I brought Twister. I'm really good at it and I want you to try and beat me."

"What a great idea!" said Sayu, whom everyone had forgotten about until just then. "I haven't played Twister in forever; I can't wait to play!"

"Sayu, how about you spin?" suggested L. Sayu, defeated, took the spinner from him and took a seat on a nearby bench.


	3. Chapter 3

"Wait! No!" a voice called a split second before Sayu flicked the spinner. She turned her head and neck at the same time to look for who had called her, but her head went left and her neck went right so she stayed facing forward and only her neck turned. Still, she had an excellent bitch radar and could tell right away that it was none other than Misa. Misa ran up and licked Light's mom's neck, and stuck her tongue in the hole left by the fork tine.

"Hi, future mother-in-law!" she said cheerfully, blood and spit dripping down her chin. "Did you get my emails?" Light's mom smiled, but shook her head.

"What a nice girl you are," she started. "But I don't have an email account." Misa backed away and began making her way over to Light.

"Oh, I know," she replied a little more quietly. "I printed them out without sending them and mailed them to you. I'm extra considerate like that," she finished inappropriately loudly. Light flinched.

"I burned our house down, Misa. We didn't get any fucking mail. We're fucking homeless now and don't have a fucking mailbox or a fucking address." snapped Light.

Light and Misa continued to make pleasant small talk for 5 or 6 hours. Ryuk watched them from the top of a nearby building. "Since the death note burned," he said to nobody in particular, and was only really talking to provide readers with the context of the situation. "Light can't see me, right?" He nodded in response to his own rhetorical question, then jumped off the building and down to Light's level. Ryuk approached him and tested the waters. Light was in a particularly twisted Twister position. Ryuk waved his hands in front of Light's face; he didn't react.

"Great!" he exclaimed again to himself. He took off his pants, revealing entire human skeletons for legs, both with amazing bone structure. He approached Light and pulled out his massive wang. Light still didn't recoil in disgust, so Ryuk tried to fit it in Light's mouth. It went in so far that it reached Light's stomach and started making its way through his intestines. Then Light started choking. "Light!" cried Ryuk. No, like, he literally cried. "You can see me?"

"Yeah," Light said calmly, tapping the watch with the secret compartment containing the only surviving scrap of the death note.

"Oh." Ryuk gingerly started reeling in the dong.

"I didn't tell you to stop."

"Oh," he said again.

Light missed his turn for Twister twelve times in a row. Sayu spun the spinner faster and faster and L had no problem keeping up. He was so fast moving from dot to dot that his spine dissolved and was replaced with an angry, thrashing, teenage snake. The snake provided him with an unfair advantage, but nobody else could have kept up with him anyway.

Light's mom had dropped out of the game long ago, and was writhing on the ground.

"THEY'RE UNDER MY SKIN!" she screamed, but nobody really cared. Light was too busy taking dong, L was consumed by the snake, Sayu was spinning the spinner so fast a small fire had started, and Misa had vanished with the night just after vowing to be back with the next full moon.

Light's mom continued to writhe on the ground until the game of Twister had ended, and Light: oh Gracious and Merciful Light; had finally started to show some interest in her.

"What the fuck are you doing, mom?" he asked, disgusted that she would encroach so distastefully on _his_ ground.

"They're," she gasped for breath and shuddered. "They're under my skin! Hundreds of them!"

"Ugh, you're just faking it for attention, aren't you? _Lousy attention whore_ ," Light mumbled under his breath. Suddenly, hundreds of maggots burst forth from the pores in her delicate skin. She screamed in pure agony as the creatures ripped through her skin in the thousands; each one a little larger in diameter than a pencil, and about the same length.

"Help me!" she sobbed, the skin on her face pulled tight and rippling with larvae.

"Stop asking for attention, Jesus Christ! Think about others for a little while and stop being so goddamn selfish." Light's mom nodded her head and sniffled.

"You're right," she croaked through masses of worms. "How are you today?"

"Really fucking shitty," Light replied. "You're a fucking wreck and it's hurting my eyes. Go be a dumbass somewhere else, mom."

L stopped his mad Twister game for a second to intervene. "Light, you've been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to your family and friends these past few years."

"So?" Light challenged him. Light grew muscles at an alarming rate and transformed into an impressively tall, hunky man. His face got very ugly, though. He wasn't sure why. L did the same, but got even more attractive. The snake slithered out his asshole and wrapped around his left forearm to act as a companion.

"You should stop it," L replied in a booming, _arousing_ voice. Light's boner was all bone, no straight. The corners of Light's mouth dripped down his chin into a childish scowl.

"No!" he yelled, his voice cracking, before he began charging for L. L charged too, and the two forces collided in the middle and became a literal tornado of punches, kicks, and hurtful words. It was a long battle of wills lasting 56 days and 59 nights, but eventually there was a victor.

Light was lying bloody and sad and dead at L's feet.


	4. Chapter 4

L stood above Light, proud and victorious. He reached out a hand for Light's corpse and kept it there for nearly half an hour until Light's mom told him that corpses can't move.

"Oh. Yeah, I knew that. World's greatest detective right here, right?" he said in a similar fashion to a very shady, very nervous man trying to sell iPhones from a hot dog stand in downtown Miami. Then he smiled, but he was so unused to smiling that he frowned, because it actually really hurt to smile and he was 99.69% sure his liver just stopped working. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

"What's wrong, frog man?" asked Light's mom pseudo-sympathetically.

"My bone disease makes it difficult for me to perform many daily tasks, like smiling and sitting and fucking bitches," sobbed L. "And my liver is broken!" He cried so much that his skin became wrinkly and dry, and his sad gland had filled all the way up. It burst and splashed Light's mom with freshly milked sadness.

"That's terrible!" cried Light's mom. "Do you want me to make you some hot chocolate?" she asked.

"Yes, please. I'm going to leave now." With that, a helicopter appeared out of nowhere and L got back on his motorcycle. He did a sick flip and landed in the helicopter while the bike went right under it and exploded. The helicopter shot laser beams once in every direction and then slowly drifted into the sky, never to be seen again. Light stood up.

"Syke!" he yelled, even though his mother was three feet away.

"Light," his mom began. She tried to make her face look sterner. It worked, sort of. "You've been a huge bitch a lot lately, so you're grounded."

"We're homeless."

"Are you fucking sassing me, boy?"

"Yeah, I'm fucking sassing you. I'm the god of the new world and I don't deserve to be treated like this." He tucked his bangs behind his ears and looked away with tears in his eyes. "Honestly, mom… Like, I always try to do what you say and everything but you always fucking attack me, and like, I don't like it." He looked to the camera, then back to his mother who was not impressed. He squeezed out as many tears as he could. "Why do you always attack me, mom? I thought you loved me!" His mascara dripped down his face into a black smear on his hot cheeks. His spray tan evaporated, and in his tantrum he'd ripped half of his extensions out. His speech was blurry and filled with crying liquids. "Whym' I alweys a vict'm, mOM?" he slurred. "Why?"

Light's mom laughed at him. It was an ugly laugh. Sayu joined in, and together they laughed at him mercilessly and without restraint. Sayu laughed so hard she threw up her entire colon, and Light's mom broke a third of her legs. When Light stopped crying, he looked up at his tormentors with the eyes of a newborn baby. All of the evil inside of him was turned good by his humility, and a steady stream of blood leaked from his eye sockets because his eyes were too small, and it is in fact a myth that your eyeballs never grow.

"Light!" Sayu and her mother exclaimed.

"Mortals," replied Light, now eloquent and tear-free. "I must ask of you to refer to me only as Kira, for I have assimilated God into my soul and together our beings merged with the sole purpose of ameliorating this world." Light began levitating and his eyes glowed black with a danky stank. Holes appeared in his palms and feet that dripped blood, but no blood fell. It was sort of like a .gif in real life.

"Can you start by getting us a house?" asked Light's mom.

"Yeah, sure." Light stopped levitating and put his shoes back on. He wasn't actually sure when they'd come off.

"Don't you need money for that? I thought I burned all of our money when I set the house on fire. Like, I _really_ made sure that shit burned."

"Well," Light's mom paused. "We could get new money. Like, from a job." Light's face lit up. No, really. It literally started glowing.

"Can't _you_ do that?" he whined.

"We already do, see?" Light's mom and Sayu stood beside each other, high-fived, and then started grinding on each other. The people walking by threw dimes at Light's mom and nickels at Sayu.

"We're very good at our jobs," said Sayu proudly.

"Okay… well, I guess I'll go get a job, too. Until then, you guys can take a break." He smiled at them innocently.

"Really? Thanks! But why?" asked Light's mom.

"Oh," Light said, turning before he left. "It's just that I don't want to not have something you do. Just wait until I have a job, okay? If I can't earn money, nobody else should be allowed to." Light's mom exchanged dirty glances with Sayu. She was about to say something when Light cut her off. "It's just so that it's not like you're saying you're better than me, right? It's what good people do. After all, I'm a good person and would never do anything without you guys." He began walking down the street. For the last time, he turned around before walking away for real. " _Anything!_ " he added, with extra emphasis on 'any'. Light loved his mom so much. He loved his sister, too, but she wasn't as hot as his mom.

"Does that mean we can make cookies together in the new house?" his mom shouted at his back happily. Light sighed and kept walking. _Familyzoned again._


	5. Chapter 5

At first it was difficult to find a respectable place that would even agree to an interview with Light. As scruffy and diseased as he'd become since the house burned down, his personality was still a winning one and he couldn't help but take offense that he was forcefully ejected from each establishment he applied to. Admittedly, he didn't have very much practice applying for jobs since his dad gave him everything he wanted as long as he was allowed to call Light "Daddy's Little Princess". Eventually, Light did stumble across a shady-looking bar with a 'help wanted' sign in the window. He went in and asked the bartender if he could speak to the manager. The bartender smiled cheerfully at him, and it reminded Light of when his father used to smile: toothlessly and with too many face bones showing. It was also terrifying. After a 2-hour-long pause, when Light was only 50% sure he would get ejected again, the bartender spoke.

"Oi em the menejah," he said, with an over-the-top accent that Light just couldn't place. Maybe Canadian. Or Chinese.

"Great!" screamed Light, out of simultaneous fear and enthusiasm. "I'd like a job here!"

The bartender grunted positively, then laboriously winked at him. Light looked around and noticed that the bar was totally empty, leaving him completely vulnerable and entirely at the mercy of this large, burly, yet strangely attractive man.

"Meet me in the beck foh the intahview," said the bartender. Light was becoming suspicious, but not suspicious enough to act on it. He made his way around the bar and followed the bartender through a comically tiny door into a dimly-lit seating area.

"Ohlroight, mate. Wot dew yew dew foh a living?"

"I don't have a job," Light replied nervously. "That's why I'm here. I did used to kill people, though, if that counts. I never made a living, but I sure did make a killing!" Light slapped his knee and doubled over laughing. Tears ran down his face and soaked his shirt. The bartender smiled a little, because he really like seeing men who made jokes crying. There was a reason for this, but delving into that would require childhood flashbacks and there didn't appear to be any time for that.

"You're very funny. Now, I'd like to hear about some of your skills," said the bartender, losing all traces of his accent because it was too difficult to get his point across and sound foreign at the same time. Light shifted in his seat.

"Well, I have excellent penmanship. I also suck a mean dick, if you know what I'm saying. My leadership skills are also above average. Oh, and I'm very good at sleight of hand. In fact, you probably didn't even notice that you're not wearing pants anymore."

"Impressive. Where did they go?"

"Why don't you take a guess?"

"Are they somewhere in this room?"

"Yes." Light really had to work at restraining himself from laughing.

"Do you have them with you right now?"

"Pfft… yes."

"Are they in your pockets?"

"Do anuses count as pockets?"

"I think it's ani."

"Oh, sorry. Do ani count as pockets?"

"Yes."

"Then you're absolutely right! Do you want them back?" Light was getting excited. His magic tricks had never failed him before and he sure hoped they wouldn't fail him now. The bartender studied his face, almost as if he were sizing Light up. Then he cracked a smile and pulled out a long latex glove from his back pocket.

"Damn right I do!" The next few minutes were a mixture of emotions and various fluids. Once the bartender had gotten his pants back, Light confessed his feelings for him.

"I may not know your name," he said. "But I feel like I've really gotten to know you as a person."

"It's Barry," the bartender said with tears in his eyes.

"I think I love you, Barry," whispered Light softly. "As a father."

"You start today," Barry breathed into Light's left ear. That was his good ear. "Please start washing the glasses on the table over there," he pointed as he began to melt.

"Barry, no! What's happening to you?" Light screeched.

"You broke the curse," he collapsed on his liquefying knees. "I've been trapped on this planet for 500 years, and now I am free thanks to true love's first anal fisting." The last parts of Barry to liquefy were his eyes. They were filled with both sorrow and joy. Light mourned his loss and began washing the glasses.

That evening, Light and his remaining family ate around a beautifully decorated dining room table. Light was the owner of a bar now, and with that came the perks of total financial stability forever. With the millions of dollars raked in from just the first day, he'd been able to buy himself a brand new mansion. His family didn't live with him, but he invited them over just for the night to celebrate his hard work. Later on, he would be having a party in his own honor just for existing. Only he was allowed in.

"Light, why won't you let us move in with you? You can't possibly use all 9 bedrooms every night," Sayu said between mouthfuls of money. Yes, Light was _that_ rich.

"Sure I do. I fill the beds with money and lube, then take turns sleeping in each one. It's almost like having 9 wives." Light's mom choked on a nickel, but it ended up falling out of the hole in her neck. Sayu started screaming.

"What the fuck, Sayu?"

"I just want to _live_ with you!" she screamed. "Just let me _breathe your air!_ "

Light sighed and rolled his eyes. He had to deal with this at least weekly. "Fine. There's a double bed in the basement." Sayu's eyes lit up and she ran to the stairs

"Oh," Light called after her. "And mind the wire strung across the top of the stairs conveniently at ankle height."


	6. Chapter 6

Sayu was so glad to finally be able to live with Light. Light's mom was sent back out into the rain after dinner, but it made sense because nobody would worship a man who still lived with his mother. Sayu pushed her things under the bed with her feet and moved the empty shackles aside. Light had gotten the shackles along with a few whips and gags from their grandparents for last Sex Christmas, while she'd only gotten a dildo and photo album of old-fashioned trains. Just the thought of it got her all fired up, so she tried her best to put this out of her mind. She laid down on the bed, and for one of the only times in her short life, just with the intent to get some sleep. She really had to work to ignore the growing pool of blood spilling under the door from the next room over.

When Sayu finally rolled onto her side, she felt a sharp stab in her left breast. She shoved her hand into her bra and remembered the tooth she'd put in there a while back. She pulled it out and examined it. It was 3 inches long and orangey-grey. Letting her curiosity get the better of her, she used it to pick the lock to the mysterious blood door. What she found on the other side was shocking, but not entirely surprising.

She stood in the doorway, mouth open and beginning to form a grin, until a much larger shadow moved over hers. She swiveled around to see Light standing behind her.

"I see you found the human ball pit, Sayu," Light said quietly. His tone was cold and reserved, as if he were about to reach out and strangle her at any moment.

"It's really great, Light. May we swim?" Sayu asked excitedly.

"Of course, Sayu! You're my little sister and I would do anything with you!" Light grabbed her and did a swan dive into the in-ground pool filled with human scrotums. He ended up grabbing her hand so hard that it twisted all the way around.

"Oh shit, are you okay?" he asked apologetically.

"No, Fucknut! You just broke my fucking wrist!" drizzled Sayu.

"Sorry."

"Oh, well it's okay, then. Let's swim! I've never been up to my neck in balls before, you know."

"It's okay. I'll show you how it's done—I've been doing this for 40 years."

Light got out of the pool and began to unlock a cupboard in the corner of the room.

"What's that, Light?"

"You'll see," he responded absently, humming a happy tune. He returned to the shallow end of the ball pit with those long floating rope things that separate lanes in the Olympic pools.

"Hold this," he said. He handed one end to her and proceeded to wade through the balls into the deep end of the pit. He attached it to the wall at the back of the pool, then moved back over to Sayu and attached the end she was holding. Then he left the room momentarily, but returned wearing a flashy neon speedo and carrying a skimpy bikini for Sayu. He handed it to her once she was out of the pit and standing in front of him.

"Thanks, Light; and it's just my size!" Light nodded and turned around, signalling to her to put it on. She changed quickly and soon she and Light sat beside each other on the edge of the pool. Then Light got up and approached the end of the lane closest to Sayu.

"The balls are alive. Once you dive in, they will immediately bare their fangs and attack. But there's nothing to fear. Don't resist the balls. Thrust your fingers into them and carve an opening; then you slide your body through that opening. Moving your arms…" he trailed off because he forgot the last bit of the quote, then dove into the water. The balls really did grow teeth, and began to gnash at his skin. He screamed in pain but continued forward, making a point of not resisting them. He reached the end of the pit, bloodied and limping, but victorious nonetheless.

"Okay," he breathed. "Your turn."

Sayu looked at him and turned pale. She was nervous, but wanted Light to be pleased with her. She jumped into the ball pit head first, and swam smoothly and gracefully to the other side. There were no teeth.

"I may have drugged your dinner," Light confessed, shifting his weight between his feet and looking away sheepishly.

"Are you saying this isn't a swimming pool filled with detached testicles?"

"No, I'm just saying they don't have teeth."

"Oh, that makes more sense. Why are you covered in blood, then?"

"Not important. It's bed time!" Light screamed at the top of his lungs. He stared at Sayu for half a minute afterwards in complete silence, waiting for her to say something. She opted to stay silent and focused on digesting food. Light left the room without a word and returned to his favourite bedroom. Ryuk sat in the corner reading a porno mag with all of the women's heads painstakingly pasted over with printed pictures of apples, and he was masturbating into an apple he'd hollowed out the day before. That was his special corner, and there were hundreds of pictures of apples on the walls and preserved apples on shelves. A bulletin board featured more printouts, drawings, and poems about apples, but the main focal point was a sort of prayer. I'm not that creative, so it was in an ancient death god language that nobody could understand.

Light flopped onto the bed and began his nightly routine. First, he cried himself to sleep and then woke up after 10 minutes so he could masturbate to pictures of himself. Then he cried a little more and thought about how much he missed killing people. He brushed his teeth with his own cum and snuggled into bed with a medical textbook. He read it aloud to himself like a parent would to a child and found great comfort in this. Then he drifted off to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

"Wake up, Sayu!" Light sung. His voice cracked, making Sayu wince.

"Lightinson George P. Bush Crack-Cocaine Yagami the Fourth!" snarled Sayu, her voice dropping ten or so octaves. Light, having heard someone say his full name, burst into flames. As he writhed on the floor, Sayu rose out of bed and hovered above him, placing a heavily-armored foot on his neck to keep him in place while she spoke. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Light squirmed out of his loose, soggy skin jacket and smiled up at Sayu in his true form— a special skeleton. "Yes, Sayu-chum! It's time for shopping!" Sayu's face went grey and she let Special Skeleton Light Yagami roll out of the room so she could get ready. She was so happy to be able to live with him.

Special Skeleton Light Yagami's plan was working perfectly. He found Ryuk at the bottom of the stairs and took the one free moment of the day with him to trade rare stamps.

"Wow, you've really outdone yourself this time!" screamed Ryuk, handing him a stamp with a life-sized picture of Light's penis on it.

"Thanks," Light replied, passing him a stamp decorated with a picture of all of Ryuk's friends.

"Hey, this one's blank."

"I'm ready to go!" chirped Sayu from upstairs. Special Skeleton Light Yagami scooped her up and put her in his backpack. He said nothing and walked out the front door.

"Bye, mom," he said to his mother.

"Mmmhmmm," she said as Light crushed her face with his footsteps on his way out the door. It didn't pay well, but being a doormat got Light's mom much closer to her favorite person in the whole wide world. She watched wistfully as he drove into the horizon. A single tear rolled down her bloody cheek.

Light wasn't sure how he'd made a wrong turn. Sayu managed to escape the backpack not long after they began their drive, and had been talking nonstop about something stupid for a solid ten minutes. Light didn't care.

They eventually pulled into the mall parking lot, Sayu half-heartedly mumbling something about tax benefits. Her eyes were glazed over and she had irregular scratches on her arm. A single feather poked out from the middle of her jacket zipper. Suddenly Light was on the outside of the car, tapping on the passenger side window. Sayu slowly turned her head to look at him. Light smiled and coughed up a little bit of black bile; a friendly gesture according to his religion.

"Let's go, Sayu! You don't want to be late for the armed robbery, do you?" he said. Light felt a lot like the dad he never had when he saw Sayu's face light up.

"Yeah, let's go!" Sayu screamed.

Light took Sayu's hand and galloped into the mall with her dragging behind him.

"My knees! Light, stop! My knees!" Sayu wailed. Light said nothing and began to run even faster, leaving Sayu's knees far behind in the parking lot.

Light and Sayu perused the various stores for the rest of the afternoon, but all the while Light couldn't help but feel watched. Perhaps it was the man dressed as a bush that always seemed to be about six feet behind them. _No, that can't be it_ , Light thought. Then he saw it. A cloaked woman with wrinkle tattoos on her face sat on a bench a mere two inches away from Light's face. Light couldn't help it; the anger building up inside him was too strong to hold back. How dare this woman encroach upon his territory?

"I will fucking decimate you, you damned fucking nazi!" Light screamed at the woman.

"Pardon?" replied the old lady whose wrinkles were not tattoos at all.

"Oh my god," said Light. He pressed his palms to his forehead and massaged it in circular motions, trying to avoid the oncoming sinus headache. "Didn't you hear me the first time?"

"Pardon?" said the lady again.

"Jesus Christ." Light turned to leave, but just as he did, the little old lady let out a snicker. Light's face became beet red and liquid anger spewed from every orifice, just like during his annual case of spring Ebola. Luckily the diaper soaked up most of it; Light prided himself on his preparedness for these types of situations.

Not wanting to unleash his unholy, murderous fury on a single soul to bear the burden, he stuck his finger into Sayu's belly button and fished out her kidney, the sticky dripping mass almost slipping from his grip. He gently placed it into the woman's hand and decided to go all jigsaw on her.

"I am giving you a decision, okay?" he said, slowly and calmly. Almost too calmly. The woman whose wrinkles just might actually be tattoos after all nodded her head. "Perfect," Light continued. "Now, you can either eat my sister's grimy kidney," Light motioned to the lady's gift. "Or you can disrespect me one more time and I can rip every single one of your teeth out your dirty, diseased gums and force them under your eyelids."

"Your hollow threats mean nothing to me, foolish boy," the lady responded, smiling a toothless smile. With that, hard candies burst forth in berating waves from her sleeves. She cackled maniacally, sending forth hundreds of tiny dogs to bark at Light until he couldn't stand it anymore.

"Fucking shit, I've been foiled again!" Light yelled, shaking teacup yorkies from his pant legs. The man who had been covered in leaves then quickly and flamboyantly revealed himself with a flourish of his flowers.

"Not if I can help it!" It was Matsuda, here to save the day! He leapt into the air and while suspended above the floor tiles, discarded his Bush cosplay and assumed his fighting stance next to the lady. "Oh, shit. Well… this is awkward. I thought that she was… uh, losing. Light, I'm sure you're a good person and all, but this was sort of… just a bit of a, well, misunderstanding. Fuck. Sorry. Fuck."

Matsuda shuffled out of the room, but since they were in the middle of a mall he had to shuffle into the nearest enclosed area, which just happened to be the women's washroom. The last thing anybody heard from him was three or four bloodcurdling screams of which the last was cut short. The last anyone saw was a red streak in the vague shape of half a Matsuda-torso that was (what they can only assume) trying fruitlessly to claw its way out of the bathroom before being dragged back in by… someone, probably.


	8. Chapter 8

Light was glad that Matsuda was dead. He'd really been cramping his style, just like the dad he never had. He and Sayu stood in the middle of the mall, the occasional shopper violently shouldering past them. When this happened, Light always aimed for the eyes.

"Thank you for protecting me!" cried Sayu.

"I have a surprise for you," Light replied, almost too quickly. Sayu was so excited that she closed her mouth too hard and her teeth splintered together, preventing her from further opening her mouth. "Just a… according to plan," Light muttered angrily. He brought Sayu to the top of the escalator and lifted her up onto his shoulders. His neck elongated and twisted to be just above the top of her head; Light Yagami would be shorter than no one.

"And all this land is mine?" Sayu wheezed, blood and bits of teeth spraying her mouth.

"No, Sayu." Light swivelled his neck to face her. "This is our test."

Sayu trembled in all the wrong places. "What are we testing?" she squeaked.

A ski mask promptly covered a large portion of Sayu's visible facial features. Light handed her a hammer. "See that lingerie store?" Light asked, pointing at the store across from the bottom escalator platform. Sayu nodded vigorously. "If you make it, bring the money with you and present unto me your token of triumph. Only then will you be worthy in my eyes."

"I'm not doing that, Light! Are you crazy?"

"If you pass the test, meet me at the gates," Light continued despite Sayu's refusal.

"What test?! What gates?! Light, why are we standing at the top of the 'up' escalator?"

Light smirked as his hair and eyes went orange and everything else turned to grey. "It is your coming of age, Sayu. I've been waiting for this day since you were only twelve years old. Join me in my quest for ultimate power, my sister. This world can offer us no more. Your test today will be to walk the mortal plain and bring with you the fruits of your last labour in your ascension." Sayu tried desperately to break free from Light's abnormally strong grip, panicked gasps replacing her usual raspy breathing.

"No!" Light screamed at the top of his lungs. An inattentive shopper smacked him in the legs with their bags. Then Light spotted a discount sign hanging in a storefront. Upon closer inspection, the discount turned out to be for members only. Anger overwhelmed him.

"WE DIE TOGETHER!"

Light heaved both Sayu and himself down the escalator with all his strength. Sayu wailed at first and eventually fell silent as they tumbled down the steps, eternally falling. The gates of Valhalla began to creak open, but not for Sayu.

Meanwhile, Ryuk and Light's mom were planning a date night. They sat across from each other in Light's room, Ryuk on the bed and Light's mom in the heavily stained Little Einsteins bean bag chair.

"Since I'm a single woman now," Light's mom began. "And _definitely_ not plural women…" Her voice briefly branched into four distinct pitches with slightly different accents. Her eyes widened. She covered her mouth and faked a cough, then vaguely explained how sick she'd been getting lately. "…I think we should think about thinking of doing something," she finished. Ryuk grinned. "Like a date, maybe."

"How about we go to the plant zoo?" Ryuk suggested.

"The garden? The one in the backyard?"

"Yeah, the plant zoo. I want to go to the plant zoo."

"Ryuk, you've been sitting in the garden all day, every day for the past week."

"No I haven't."

"Look, you're covered in spiders _right now_. Why don't we do something more romantic, like go to a school gymnasium or a pile of leaves on a boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean?" Ryuk squirmed when he remembered the last time he fell in love with a human. He couldn't remember which gift shop his children ended up in, but his husband ended up in the police one. Too expensive.

"I don't know if I want to go through with this, Light's mom. For one thing, I don't even know your name."

"It's Light's mom. I got it legally changed so a part of Light would always be with me."

"Well that's sweet. Alright, I'll do a romance with you, Light's mom."

"Great! I'll see you in the Pacific!" Light's mom skipped out of the room. Ryuk laid back and took in the emptiness of the room, watching the ants march one by one into Light's sock drawer.


End file.
